more me and rings of a simple ton….

mystery alan watts

Wow, today as I sit in my early morning daze of wonder, I realize I write these entries to remind myself of my adventure. For I believe it is just that, an adventure into a life you create in every moment. I just found this one from a couple years ago.

We have been doing this for about 25 years…. making music, playing shows, writing, recording, releasing, producing, remixing and re-inventing ourselves. Some people have found this to be odd, weird and crazy. In fact, some who have been in the band think it’s crazy. Why? I asked some friends who really would tell me the truth; it usually boils down to the word success. A funny word, the sort of word that means different things to different people, so I explain my meaning and then most people see why we keep on keepin’ on. SUCCESS (Nigel definition): to do what you want, when you want and how you want. I (Nigel) had always struggled with life, it was like wrestling with a giant octopus, you think you got it licked then another set of tentacles comes up and sucker’s you. I kept up this imaginary fight for the first 30 years of my life, oh, I had fun doing it, and it was a mostly unconscious struggle that had many brief rounds. Then it got tiresome, boring and repetitive. I almost gave up, almost said “uncle” and settled into what was expected of me. Birth, school, work, death. I remember the day it happened, which is no mean feat for me; I have a foggy memory, most of the time. I was getting over a cold/flu fever and I sat up in bed in a sweat. Not sure whether I was dreaming or awake I walked round the small flat I was living in. Now, here’s the weird thing, every time I stepped through a doorway I changed, not just felt strange or different, I went through a sort of rapid metamorphosis. I was not completely changed for the original me was freaking out inside the new me. Every doorway, it happened, different every time. I made it through to the kitchen and sat at the table with my head in my hands. I started to breathe deeply and slowly, I had to relax and let this wash over me. I felt elated, giddy, excited and alive. Pictures formed in my mind, strange and far off places, patterns, beautiful lights and colours. Then it came in a flash and I knew, I really knew, not in a wow, I just thought of something way, more in a real centre of yourself sort of way. I knew I could do anything, be anything, everything, I felt so alive I was free. Free to be, really be. As I entered back into the unreal world of my flat in Swindon I knew nothing, yes I knew nothing and it was so liberating, so absolutely brilliant, I cried. Since that day, I have not really looked back. I have been all round the world, I have done everything I ever wanted, I have lived so large, the old me would have would not have recognized the older me. Occasionally, over the course of the last almost 30 years, I have seen my old adversary in the shadows, I turn and face him and he vanishes like smoke.
2015 is almost here…open your heart with love and peace as your weapons…

extreme me extre me

On knowing I will always be in an Extreme Relationship.

I looked very closely at the “moral boundaries” before I dove in.
When I realized that I was going into a lifelong relationship with someone who was willing to explore the extremities of all that life has to offer, I opened myself up to the experience. The most important lesson I have learned in my life is “know thyself”…

I find it hard to curb my enthusiasm for life’s roller coaster of a ride. I do recognize the risk’s inherent in embracing all the possibilities and often feel like the proverbial “kid in a candy shop” I do get overwhelmed sometimes.

My physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self has seen some serious battering’s over the years but still I continue to push the “extreme” button. I enjoy living at the edges of society, a society I see as controlled and manipulated by self-serving, self-appointed, greedy, rulers. I truly believe that until one knows oneself, following those who tell you that they know best, will always be the “easy” but wrong action to take in our short but beautiful human experience on our abundant earth.

I was not born to expect everything to be available to me, quite the contrary. I have learned to accept that if I want something, I must work for it. Not conventional “master and servant” work but the work of honing my desires and manifesting them through a determined and focused effort.

I have only myself to blame, I only have myself to praise.
Society frowns on the second half of that statement and provides willingly for the first part. It is a society built on controlling you.

Guilt is a weight no man should carry. What do I mean by that? We cannot step boldly forward into the unknown if we are not prepared to make mistakes. We sometimes are admonished for mistakes and that leads to feelings of guilt. Guilt is a fear-based tool wielded by the righteous, who want us to stand still or do the impossible and go backwards.

I say, upwards and onwards, I seek a better life. You know that kid’s song, “if your happy and you know it, clap your hands” well, as a kid I always thought, not yet, wait a minute, is this it, really. I suppose I still feel that way, though I am starting to understand the bigger questions like, what is happiness?

I have a notion that happiness is very closely linked to creativity, that’s what really works for me.

what fuels my dream of a better world?….part 1.

I am writing this at a computer that did not exist at the time of my birth and relaying it to you over the internet, there is evidence of good technology.
I have a strong belief in humanity and I also believe in God. I could leave it there and suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous naysayers but I feel I should elaborate a bit. I know, in the centre of my being, that human beings are kind, loving and creative. I also have, over the course of my life, witnessed death and destruction inflicted upon our beautiful planet. Yet, inexplicably I remain hopeful of our tribe being awakened and made aware of the precipice we are on. Some people say I must be delusional and ask me how I can believe in human beings who continue along this destructive path, others question my sanity at my belief in God, when clearly he has abandoned us. Well, here is an attempt at an answer to those questions. I love, therefore I am. Oh, god I wish it was that simple, it can be and there is hope that one day it will be. So far I have listed love, hope and along with them I will add faith. All three are very vague terms and sometimes just words, if we start to believe in them they grow. I do. Deep inside me, even when I was seemingly dejected and somewhat destructive, I believed in love and peace. Do I get angry and frustrated? Yes. Do I just allow my emotional response to be me? No. Do I make the same fundamental mistakes as you? Yes. Do I try within myself to stop the repeating pattern of mistakes? Yes. Have I got it right yet? No. Do I lose my faith, hope and love? No. Am I a naive man? No-one has shown me any evidence that will challenge my belief, it works well for me to remain wide open to love, hope and faith. The peace that comes with my belief is real to me. That is why, love and peace are my weapons.