What’s the question?

“falling up” on you tube.

As a man conditioned by his life and the ugly culture I grew up in, I could sense, somewhere deep inside that we are all connected, that connectivity idea took me all over this abundant planet, in search of what was born within me and soon lost by the conditioning I was told to believe. I am only now in a very small way becoming aware that what I was searching for was an answer and that answer is love.

Action versus reaction still sometimes catches me out. I often try and “zoom out” and re-focus my attention to get perspective. I have found it helps me, yet I am never truly outside of myself. I have made many mistakes and some lead to greater knowledge of myself, some lead to me unintentionally hurting myself and others, I am truly sorry for hurting anyone with my words, actions and deeds. I have always tried to be an “open book” but that is a poor metaphor because that open book is still being written. I know I will make mistakes, for I will always have a sense of doubt and I will give everyone the benefit of that doubt.

I am trying to live a peaceful and simple life and I am starting to really understand my mode of existence. Trying as best I can to expand upon the ideas that make me who I am.

Theory and practice are very relevant to my progress. I am trying to avoid contradictions within and without myself here. The example of Christian and as far as I can tell, all religious theory and practice is a good example of that. I am trying to practice what I preach.

We as humankind are constantly growing and evolving yet we forget the basics so easily. If we keep ourselves informed we can make active choices, if we rigidly stay within one idea and allow no other idea validity we are lost. The accumulated five or six thousand years of written history represents about two percent of human existence, we must continue to search for truth, we must create a peaceful life, we must find the true source of our desire. I think the only question we should actively pursue is who am I.

I believe we will find that love is the answer.

Nigel of tunnelmental.

coming out of the tunnel, mental….

I wrote this near the beginning of June and forgot to publish it, oops.

me and big mic

This morning I had to accept something in myself that I have struggled with for many years. I am different. I was listening to some songs that Derek and I had just finished remixing for the brilliant Sleaford Mods and the new band called Steroid, that’s when it hit me pretty hard, I am different. I am alone and I am different. I have worked all my life on oh so many things yet all the time I really wanted to just be me. To stop playing a game, to stop trying to fit someone’s idea of who I am and to be truly me. I really felt it this morning, I had a real breakthrough, I think it was whilst being lost in music and feeling not properly awake, I just had a shiver down my spine and a weird feeling of both unity with humanity and separation from anything directly around me. Instead of automatically rejecting that feeling I just let it wash over me. The feeling has now subsided to manageable electricity coursing through me and I am attempting to explain it quickly, for I do not know how long this may last. I do know it was real to me.  I am not odd, I am at odds with many things but I am essentially just different. I am not just talking about each of our individual differences, I have acknowledged that all my life. I am feeling different from anything I previously felt.

I am certain that, as I emerge from the old darkness that acted as a warm blanket, that the warmth of the sun will propel me into new and exciting territory. I do know that I am writing this to myself, I also know it really means nothing to anyone who reads it. I am probably confused and “shooting from the lip” but honestly I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me anymore. I have stopped asking permission to be me. I am different. Hello world, its me, let’s get to really know each other.

It is a few days since I wrote the first part of this ramble and I feel no need to edit it. I am very sleepy but wide awake. I have many challenges ahead of me as I view the society that surrounds me. I will meet those challenges with kindness and compassion because those are the things I see missing in society.

Falling Up.

It is important to understand why I Nigel, am so grateful for the release of tunnelmental’s new single “falling up”. It is a celebration on many levels for me, I am celebrating the friends I am fortunate to work with, for they are special to me. I am celebrating the love of life by living it, fully. I have what some would call a charmed life, I do what I love and love what I do. This particular song is a real love song, I know that there have been many love songs written through the ages but I have struggled to write one, up until now. I have had some issues defining what love really is and what it means to me, again up until now. Please listen to “falling up” and try to let go of all the trouble and strife.


me n funk ewerks1

Nigel of tunnelmental and funkcutter of anarchistwood from a couple years ago.


falling up full title bandcamp art

The artwork for the single.

A link to hear it. https://tunnelmental.bandcamp.com/track/falling-up-featuring-funkcutter-of-anarchistwood

Release date July 27th 2018.